


the fear of fellow man

by briiefcase, picketcricket



Series: 3am crackfics [2]
Category: Addams Family - All Media Types, Deadpool - All Media Types, Homestuck, One Piece, Pocket Monsters | Pokemon (Anime)
Genre: Retail Worker Dave Strider, deadpool is the fbi, the fic that keeps on giving
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 20:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20681312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/briiefcase/pseuds/briiefcase, https://archiveofourown.org/users/picketcricket/pseuds/picketcricket
Summary: dave strider becomes emo





	the fear of fellow man

Morticia Addams is minding her own business at some random store (not owned by Dave Strider because he is too poor to afford it, let alone exist), and it is Not Her Fault that the building collapsed. She does not know how the building collapsed, nor does she particularly care, but if she were to speculate it would most probably have to do with the boy shouting threats at the snacks and the one in the strawhat yelling at him.

  
'"All goldfish are QUEENS!" Pirate-ass lookin' boy is making it very well known to Ash Ketchup that he does not appreciate his oppression against goldfish. This is discriminatory. Goldfish do not deserve this.

  
"If it EXISTS, its a THOT1" Meanwhile, Ash Ketchup is also incredibly clear on the fact that he, too, has very strong opinions about goldfish.

  
All is reported to the FBI. The FBI is Deadpool. There is no one else. There is no need for anyone else.

  
"And where were you in all of this?"

  
Dave Strider weeps behind his sunglasses, where no one can see. He cannot escape the mundane life of retail work. He just wants to go home. Morticia touches his shoulder. It is the only motherly touch he has ever recieved. "This boy was helping me find carpet cleaner for the blood- I mean, wine stain on our dying room carpet." Deadpool isn't really surprised. He has heard more suspicious things from the boxes. "It was totally not left there by our son, Pugsley, when he was brutally murdered. He is still breathing and we love him very much."

  
"So what happened next?" Deadpool inquires. He does not really care, but Fury will kill him at least twice if he backs out now. Plus he already pinky promised, and there's no take-backsies.

  
"Well," Morticia starts, "the boys were getting angry. You could tell they were soon going to come to blows over it. Ash acted first, however. He grabbed the nearest box of golfish and threw them at Luffy. Many died from the impact, others from the fall to earth. Luffy spent seconds mourning the losses before he gave in to rage. In his righteous fury he may have possibly blown up the entire store. Accidentally, of course." Deadpool nods. He completely understands.  
"Anything to add?" he asks the blond. Dave shakes his head. He is a retail worker, these sorts of things happen all the time. He is unfazed, and was not paying attention to the earlier conflict.

  
"Alright then," Deadpool says. He walks over towards the remains of the shop, grabbing all the goldfish he could before sprinting away. All in a day's work.


End file.
